I have so much to be grateful for. Sometimes I do forget that. I get mired down in the bullshit in this town of Joneses and my occasional attempts to keep up with them. I try for a minute and then I remember I don’t even really like them, the Joneses - so why do I try to be like them, be with them? Nothing against them - (well not really), but I’m just so grateful, so very pleased, that I remember that’s just not where it’s at for me.
My reminders come in several forms. My loving family being the most prominent and powerful. My tenacious husband and my kids in particular, keeping me busy and in demand, never letting me forget that I am, at least for right now, at the forefront of their journey here. They accept nothing but truth and honesty from me. I can't fool them.
And then there is my work. My writing. My need to expel the voices and visions and sounds and prompting in my head and transfer them to words on a page. My purpose and my need to connect with others and my desire to join others together in this pursuit may be in vain, but I won’t judge it. I’ve long believed that if something you create is shared with just one other and impacts them in even the smallest way then its purpose was served. I want my work and my writing to entertain and connect to many more than that though. I want to be a bridge to the loneliness that I sometimes feel and bring hope to assuage that fear in others. I want to make people laugh and smile, and think, and feel like maybe somebody out there feels the same way they do. We're all in this together.
And finally, a powerful reminder of what I am so thankful for this year are women. We’ve been having a hard time of it lately. Oh, I was so hoping for a HRC future but that wasn’t to be, something I'm still reeling from. But more personally, in many ways this has been the most difficult yet the most fulfilling year of my entire forty-three. And all the way through it I have rested in the peace of knowing a sisterhood that has had my back. Not all. They didn’t all show up for me this year. That’s okay. I don’t hold it against them. Some have their own struggles to face and in truth maybe I haven’t always been there for them. And maybe it's time to reflect on that. Or maybe I was there and my presence was overlooked, not valued and I didn't really see it or didn't want to see it? I don't know, timing is everything, right? Or maybe my insecurity was rearing its ugly head and was making me feel less than. And maybe that's the lesson? Go where the peace is.... Regardless it’s not really any of my business. I’m not here to judge. My business is to love and to give and to serve - to all. Not just the ones who like me or are kind to me or easy to get along with or who I agree with. That last one’s been hard, especially lately. Oh hell there's so much not to agree with and I’m not all the way there yet. I’m working on it. But, I find the more I genuinely try to put the activity of loving without judgment into practice the more I reap the benefits of the deep and meaningful loving female friendships I’ve so cherished. It’s the old turn the other cheek deal. Every time I swing my mug around to be slapped again I’ve found a friend there instead. This year I’ve opened my front door several times to find anonymous gifts on my doorstep in moments when I’ve completely surrendered to not knowing how I might get through another day. And then I dig deep within myself and I breathe and I thank God for another shot at another beautiful day and I swing my front door open to greet it and I look down and there, on the step - a sister has placed a gift for me. And it happens over and over again. My phone will ring at exactly the moment of doubt that creeps into my active brain and a female voice will tell me how loved, how important, I am. I will receive a text with a heart and two hands in prayer and a smiley face at a moment when I’ve glimpsed an old wasted woman in the mirror and she becomes full and beautiful again. And so very many times, in this town of gluttony and false idols where one's popularity is almost exclusively dependent on how good your plastic surgeon is or how big your vacation fund is and not on one's footprint, countless times I have been buoyed by my champions urging me to continue to push forward and stay the course. The support has meant everything to me. Everything.
I am so lucky, so blessed, so grateful. I wish that for everyone. And, in turn, I want to do that for everyone. I want everyone to feel that joy and acceptance that I feel when I’m on the receiving end of those gestures of love. And so many of my sister friends are in need. They are being challenged in so many ways. They smile but they are struggling. They are in pain but they are strong. So this Thursday as I break bread with my family and my sister friend at her home she has opened to us all I will be still for a moment and I will look heavenward and I will be thinking of them and of all of you. So, thank you now and always. Happy Thanksgiving. xo